Saturday, August 29, 2009

A Letter to the Kidnappers

Kidnappers who are reading this. First of all, congratulations. You are terrifying.
Secondly, why is it called kidnapping? I feel like it should be called kid-nabbing. Try it.
Repeat after me:

"I just nabbed some kids. I'm a kidnabber."
Doesn't that sound better than,

"I just napped some kids. I'm a kidnapper." ?
When was the last time anyone napped anything?

Sounds to me like you take naps with kids. Michael Jackson got into a lot of trouble for that and he was the King of Pop. Chances are if you are kidnabbing* children then you are not nearly as reputable as the late Michael Jackson, and certainly not an icon.

And also, it seems like people call it kidnapping even when it does not involve kids. IF it's that serious then let's get serious about what we're going to call it. Is it to get more attention to the old people? Are people afraid that if you don't throw a kid into the mix no one will care?

Ransom notes: that would be hard for me. I tend to over write, cutting out all those letters would be difficult and messy. Plus the cops would be like, "These fonts are from Esquire and GQ. We're looking for a gay guy. A gay guy who loves kidnapping."

Anyway, I guess the point really is, it sounds like a lot of work. I guess I don't really understand the payoff? Someone else's kid? Can't you just get a mexican kid or a chinese kid? I mean . . . free's free! And if you're going on the ransom angle . . . well, how many times does that EVER work out? Just seems like a lot of work.

*That's right. I said kidnabbing.

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