Monday, August 31, 2009

BILL COSBY: VOTED OUT OF EXISTENCE;

Boogey Man Relieved

BILL COSBY: A COMPLETE SHAM
Comedian, television star, and apparently a beloved hoax. The star and creator of one of the most popular american television shows of all time was recently voted out of existence.
Bill Cosby? Don't know who I'm talking about? That's because he never existed.
But what about all those things he did? Absolute fiction.
But he was the spokesperson for Jello! You mean like the Trix Rabbit? The michelin man?
He raised Rudy and Theo! Correction, that was Phil Huxtable. Also a character of fiction.
Ghost Dad! Ghosts: do not exist. Dads: Theoretical.
ALL GONE!
Good bye Bill Cosby!
Welcome to oblivion!
POPULATION: nuffin'


Saturday, August 29, 2009

A Letter to the Kidnappers



Kidnappers who are reading this. First of all, congratulations. You are terrifying.
Secondly, why is it called kidnapping? I feel like it should be called kid-nabbing. Try it.
Repeat after me:

"I just nabbed some kids. I'm a kidnabber."
Doesn't that sound better than,

"I just napped some kids. I'm a kidnapper." ?
When was the last time anyone napped anything?

Sounds to me like you take naps with kids. Michael Jackson got into a lot of trouble for that and he was the King of Pop. Chances are if you are kidnabbing* children then you are not nearly as reputable as the late Michael Jackson, and certainly not an icon.

And also, it seems like people call it kidnapping even when it does not involve kids. IF it's that serious then let's get serious about what we're going to call it. Is it to get more attention to the old people? Are people afraid that if you don't throw a kid into the mix no one will care?

Ransom notes: that would be hard for me. I tend to over write, cutting out all those letters would be difficult and messy. Plus the cops would be like, "These fonts are from Esquire and GQ. We're looking for a gay guy. A gay guy who loves kidnapping."

Anyway, I guess the point really is, it sounds like a lot of work. I guess I don't really understand the payoff? Someone else's kid? Can't you just get a mexican kid or a chinese kid? I mean . . . free's free! And if you're going on the ransom angle . . . well, how many times does that EVER work out? Just seems like a lot of work.


*That's right. I said kidnabbing.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

It's not you it's my leader.

To all those concerned:
I'm severing all ties with everyone I know. Friends, family, colleagues, internet fuck buddies, even my blog. I'm joining a doomsday cult. I saw this guy's face on a flyer in the mall and I just about shit my pants. I mean, this is the guy; he's looks like Spock and Dracula combined with a little bit of Jude Law.

Anyway, I just can't help it. I love this guy. His name is Pyotr Kuznetsov. I don't know how to pronounce his name so I've been calling him Peter.
Love. Love is many things. Many things are love. Peter says things like that. The other day he said, "Love is old. Love is new. Love is all, love is you." And he may be a weirdo but you know what world? Love is a weirdo. You can't help who you fall in love with, and I mean, people love Jesus. So I love this guy. Sometimes I call him Leader Peter.
Peter says the world was supposed to end like may something last year and when it didn't he got really depressed. So it's been really hard for him to get people interested in gathering around together and committing to a day for the world to end. It just sounded like a human interest story to me all the way. So I went to a meeting and well . . . the rest is history. I wanted a story but I got more than I bargained for. I am in love with this doomsday cult and for the first time in my whole life I am in love with me. I am blossoming. I am loving. I've never been better. Unfortunately I will never see any of you ever again, so there's that. UNLESS you want to join the cult. In which case: AWESOME!!
The cult is really cool, it's just like camp except there's sex and stuff. Some field work some brainwashing, but it's much better than the nine to five shit I've been doing lately anyway. There's no worldly possessions in the cult and Peter says I should give away all my stuff but I'm putting all my stuff into storage. You know, in case the doomsday prophecy is accidently misinterpreted again like last year; so please don't send me a bunch of e-mails for my stuff unless you have a serious offer.
But listen guys, I'm getting off the subject. The point is it's been great knowing everyone and good bye forever.
This is Marc Sauve saying:
Good Existence Marcketeers. Good existence everyone!

Oh yeah. Mass suicide TBA in January 2010. Should be a good turn out.

Friday, August 14, 2009

The Lost Journals of David Greivington


My name is David Greivington. I came to the dark continent seeking god and adventure. I found both. I've been traveling on my own for what I believe has been three nights. I passed out several times from blood loss coupled with no food or water. I should correct that statement. Thought to have been consumed by wild cannibals, I abandoned all notions that the missionaries I was traveling with could still be alive. Days turned to weeks; I prayed for death. Why? Why them? Why not me? Why didn't those jackals eat me? I'm a good looking guy. Is it how I dress? Is it how I dress damn you?! I guess mother was right! No man wants to come near me, why would an african savage be any different! Oh I'm never getting married!"
- David Greivington, June, 1873

I HAVE ABANDONED MY BLOG!




I'm sorry.

I've abandoned my blog! I've abandoned my child! I created something, nourished it, cared for it, showed it proudly to the world, and then I abandoned it. Left it out in the cold. For this I should be voted out of existence.

I am happy to say my blog and I talked it out. We're going to be ok. We're going to be O-K!

Thanks for sticking with us guys. We won't let you down again.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Real Life Made Up Characters

Remember when you were a kid and you thought your favorite cartoon characters were real? It didn't seem that crazy an idea that you could maybe run into Bugs Bunny on the street one day. Bedrock may not be the town next to yours but maybe it's one town over. Sure! The world was a more magical place then and ice cream didn't give you the shits. But then one day one of your parents or maybe both (in my case both over and over again) sit you down and explain to you the difference between real and imaginary. What the fuck?
Well screw that! You want to know what your favorite cartoon characters look like in real life? Now you can! And guess what? Maybe you were better off not seeing what they would look like in real life. Honestly, Charlie Brown scares the living daylights out of me in this picture. He looks like a soulless child, most likely the victim of both neglect and abuse of various kinds. "Good grief?" More like, "Fucking kill me."
Haven't had enough?
Click on this link and check out more: WHAT IF CARTOONS WERE REAL?

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

A Jew By Any Other Name

If you're like me, you probably often think aloud to yourself, "I wonder what my name would be if I was Jewish."

WELL WONDER NO MORE!

That's right! You no longer have to just imagine what your jewish name would be; through the wonders of modern technology combined with the ancient secrets of Jewish Mysticism we can now actually calculate EXACTLY what your jewish name would be based on what your goyim name is.

Check it out here: THE JEWISH NAME GENERATOR

Once you've discovered your jewish name; please come back and post your new found hebrew identity.

VOTE THEM OUT OF EXISTENCE!!!

Is it Bigfoot? He seems pretty real to me. Don't think so? I'd like to see you tell HIM that!
Is it this guy? William Shakespeare? He looks pretty made up to me!
Grover Cleveland? This is the only picture I could find for this non existent character!
Or is it this black guy? Air Rogers?
It's your last chance guys!!!! Decide who actually existed and who actually didn't existed
YOU DECIDE!! Go to the bottom of the page and cast your vote.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This Is The Video That Killed The Radio Star

Can you believe this only took a half hour to make? Ha!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Beatles: Rock Band



The Beatles: Rock Band

The latest installment in the popular video game franchise is easily the most anticipated in the series, and after watching this cinematic trailer for the game, it's quite easy to see why.

The cinematic is not representative of the gameplay but you can see more at thebeatlesrockband.com. Even if you do not play rock band, video games, etc; if you like or have ever liked The Beatles, you will appreciate this video cinematic.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Drink of the Season

VODKA GIMLET
2 oz vodka
1 lime

In shaker, pour vodka over ice. Squeeze lime juice over ice and then shake until there is frost covering shaker. Strain drink over ice into classy glass of your choice. Garnish with lime, enjoy!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

THE 2009 FIRST ANNUAL FAR FROM EARTH HAMBURGER GIRL SWEEPSTAKES


Here's an idea Marcketeers! Stay up real late and write the scariest place you could imagine finding Hamburger Girl and then post your idea here. If it's any good we'll say so.
ex. After watching six episodes of How I Met Your Mother in a row I get up off the couch to use the bathroom. While in the bathroom I hear something scuttle across the floor in the other room. From the bathroom there is a trail of fast food wrappers leading back into the living room. To my horror, there she is, sitting in the shadows under a side table next to my sofa shaking her cup of ice like the pit viper's death rattle.



Leave it to DVR



It's summer time, the days are getting longer, the nights are getting hotter and jesus christ there is NOTHING on television! I think I spend more time searching for things to DVR then I do watching the programs I record. Is anyone watching anything worth watching?

Anyone?

This is what's on my DVR:
It's one of those shows where when you have them in front of you it's hard to pick out one to watch, but if you just had one in front of you, you'd watch it in a second the whole way through. And now there's a place that does that for you. So please, do yourself a favor, check out WTSO.net and just hit random!
  • 7 The State episodes (Think you're a fan of Wet Hot American summer? Well if you don't know about this show you're a complete poser bro.)
  • 6 The Tonight Show episodes
  • 1 The Young and The Restless episodes (it's Tamara's)
  • 6 Two and a Half Men episodes (none of which I plan on watching)
  • 1 Wrong Door episode (has something all skit shows lack, an amazing grasp on special effects)
Well that's what I'm watching these days. What's on your DVR list Marcketeers?

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Hamburger Girl


I've decided that I'm uncomfortable with the 30% of my life I spend in a coma. That's right, I'm talking about sleep.

But I've found the solution. It's this girl.

I just imagine waking up in a cold sweat and seeing her at the foot of my bed eating that hamburger.
Or perhaps she'd be squatting in a dark corner of my room, perched on a greasy mound of half eaten hamburgers and discarded fountain sodas; anxiously waiting to be discovered.

Maybe I wake up in the middle of the night to get a glass of ice water from the kitchen. I find a glass on one side of the kitchen and move to the fridge for the water; I turn around again to retrieve my glass and there she is, all of a sudden chewing and sucking off her cheap fuchsia nail polish as she spider walks across my counter.





Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Scraping the Surface of American Hygiene*


I use baby wipes. I'll tell you why.

If you accidentally touched some errant feces with your hand, would you just wipe it up with a dry paper towel? Or would you take some time to find a sink, get some soap, and really try your best to sanitize and clean the aforementioned hand.

That's what I thought.
A dry wipe does not a clean butt make.

So clean up your act America! It's not just me who's fed up with people's low standards of toilet paper either. When actor/celebrity Terrence Howard is looking for romance, bathroom hygiene is among his chief concerns.
"Toilet paper - and no baby wipes - in the bathroom. If they're using dry paper, they aren't washing all of themselves. It's just unclean. So if I go in a woman's house and see the toilet paper there, I'll explain this. And if she doesn't make the adjustment to baby wipes, I'll know she's not completely clean."
- Terrence Howard (jezebel.com, Terrence Howard this Women are Unclean and Dressed Like Whores)
Worried people are going to think your choice in TP is a bit too juvenile? Well stop crying you big baby, THE FINAL WIPE has got you covered:

I have always used good old American toilet paper to wipe my ass. Before my daughter was born eight years ago, I had probably never seen a baby wipe or a wet wipe, nor did I even much care that such a thing existed. Why would a grown man want to wipe his ass with a baby wipe, anyway?

I will admit that I have tried baby wipes in the recent past -- not only for cleanliness, but also for relief after pooping out a hot & spicy turd. It sure beats holding a cold wet washcloth on my bunghole.

Still, being that I am PoopReport's representative of the American archetype -- a 40-year-old man who doesn't dote over making sure his asshole is perfectly fresh and spotless after dropping a dookie -- the powers that be decided that I was the best candidate to review a new wet-wipe product called The Final Wipe - POOPREPORT.COM

Well, there you go Marc-keteers! The straight poop on wet wipes from the experts who know. Any questions or comments on today's blog? Be sure to send an e-mail with the subject line, "unclean thoughts".

*Congratulations! If you are reading this, you are now one of the hundreds of elite Marc-keteers who participate in our daily FIND THE ASTERISK game. We here at FAR FROM EARTH headquarters take great pains to place at least one asterisk in every blog we post, followed by an explanation of the asterisk's purpose.

Our headline today is both informative and a double entendre because we're also talking about wiping our ass.

Feral Children



Hey kids! Ever wonder what it would be like if instead of being raised by parents you were raised by wolves? Or babysat by bears? Well, wonder no more because it's actually happened! Often disregarded as folklore or urban legend, the existence of feral children rarely makes news headlines or the history books, but it happens!
Children who were for one tragic reason or another abandoned by their parents have been taken in by wild animals for centuries. So all you Marc-keteers out there with children of your own, remember: if you need a night out and there's no one around to watch the kids, just call upon your local pack of dogs. If there happens to be a breast feeding bitch* in the group, you don't even have to worry about dinner! The legend of Romulus and Remus is one of the more famous stories surrounding the subject.

"Roman legend has it that Romulus and Remus, twin sons of Rhea Silvia and Mars, were raised by wolves. Rhea Silvia was a priestess, and when it was found that she had been pregnant and had had children, the local King Amulius ordered her to be buried alive and for the children to be killed. The servant who was given the order set them in a basket on the Tiber riverinstead and the children were taken by Tiberinus, the river god, to the shore where a she-wolf found them and raised them until they were discovered as toddlers by a shepherd named Faustulus. He and his wife Acca Larentia, who had always wanted a child but never had one, raised the twins, who would later figure prominently in the events leading up to the founding of Rome (named after Romulus, who eventually killed Remus in a fight over whether the city should be founded on the Palatine Hill or the Aventine Hill)." - Wikipedia, feral children

The moral of this story is if someone leaves the front door open or the toilet seat up, don't accuse them of being raised by wolves; because if they were, they'll likely become successful founders of one of the world's greatest democracies and savagely kill you.

And guess what Marc-keteers? Feral children are still found every year. If you're interested in learning more about feral children like the Syrian Gazelle Boy or John Ssebunya the Ugandan Monkey Boy go to feralchildren.com to check out all the other wild, crazy kids out there. Pretty cool huh?

* bitch
- noun
1. a female dog
2. a female of canines generally

Marc Sauve and the Far From Earth blog team do not in any way endorse using bad language.
If you are offended, please write to us under the subject line "breast feeding bitch".