House Votes to Cut Funding for Sesame Street

The House just voted to deny all federal funding to NPR. This attack is unprecedented. Sign the petition to show Republicans that we won't stand for it, and to tell the Senate that we need to fight back!

Just click the link above and sign up! It will give you the option of sending a message... may I suggest writing your own or cutting and pasting the simple message below:

Dear Senators,
I understand the nature of emergencies and cutting funding, but not at the expense of such exceptional programming. In harsh economic times we have to look everywhere for ways to save money, I agree. But these aren't just tv shows and radio programs. These are invaluable tools for education and inspiration; incredible resources for young minds too often distracted with cell phones, the Jersey Shore, and all the other trappings that exist in the sometimes shallow culture offered to young people in America today. When the costs of funding are so low why must the price we pay be so dear? America has to understand the nature of what it has to offer; itself and the children of today and tomorrow. Can't we find a way to save some money without taking away Big Bird? If Sesame Street didn't help teach you or someone you know how to read, then you are too out of touch to be involved in this vote (and perhaps any other vote concerning the future of this country).

Thank you for your time,
Us

A Practical Examination of the Superhero

I bet Batman literally scares the crap out of people. This picture alone is scary and that's not even the REAL Batman. The Gotham police department are probably used to dealing with criminals who smell awful.

But it's not just the bad guys. What about these people who just got saved from terrible situations? Hostages or people who fell out a window?

This guy just got the shit scared out of him, and now he's probably embarrassed in front of Superman. I wonder if people just piss themselves in sheer awe. I hope if I'm ever in this kind of situation I'm prepared for it... or I already went to the bathroom. What's more shocking? The situation you're in or how you're being rescued?

Even if I had just gone to the bathroom, I would get so nervous that I would most likely get gassy. The worse thing with Superman is that he would be able to notice even the smallest fart. He might even notice farts you don't! I'm sure he's polite about it though. Superman is used to that sort of stuff.

On the other side of the coin. What happens when Superman farts? Where does he go? Can this even be done on Earth? I bet it's dangerous when he does.

I guess what I'm saying is, I think the implications of a world with Superheros are far greater than any of us care to realize.

Artistic Movement

You are in a very expensive lounge but you are not enjoying yourself. You have just taken a gigantic dump in their very nice bathroom only to find the toilet completely nonfunctional. You are waiting in misery for someone to discover what you have left behind. You finally see a tall european man stalking out of the bathroom towards the center of the lounge. He stands on the table and proceeds to make the following announcement, " Hello, my name is Andres Guitiea . If you have not heard of me, google me and you will find that I am one of the most famous and wealthy artists of the 21st century. I am looking for the person who just pooped in the bathroom. I have been using bowel movements in my art for two decades and never have I seen such a masterpiece of fecal matter. I will pay ten thousand for the bowel movement. I will also pay for additional movements. Please come forward my caca muse." Immediately someone else comes forward claiming your poop as their own. Do you take issue?

Enchanted Heiney Troll

You've been given bad news. You have a disease that is completely incurable and absolutely fatal. the interior of your stomach lining is attacking everything that isn't stomach. The pain is indescribable and you've begun to beg for death. Unfortunately you are in a catholic hospital and they will not perform euthanasia; they do not believe in it. What they do they do believe in is enchanted heiney trolls; one of which is brought to your bed. This sixteen and a half inch disgusting, bald, bearded troll is sitting on your bed with one hand on your stomach. Smiling, he says, "I can save you and you can live a normal life… as long as I can live in your asshole. I will be a part of every time you go to the bathroom. You have five minutes to decide, as there is also a patient next door who is desperately in need of my service and in ten minutes you'll die. We'd be like room mates… in your ass." How do you reply?

DOGS

Really just big oversized alternatives to cats. I don't like that it's better at begging for food than I am. But you can train them not to? LIAR. If you could train all these dogs not to do it then why does it fucking happen?

And if it were the streets... I just bet people would sooner feed, wash, clothe, and medically inoculate that dog before they would a person. Maybe not in Japan or China or wherever... but in this country "working like a dog" doesn't mean shit because most people LOVE dogs. Why do I feel this way? Because it's how I feel about dogs and I don't love them half as much as most people I meet. Most people I meet flip over them.

Also, please don't talk to me about animal cruelty. There's never been a dog holocaust. Or dog on dog terrorism. YET.

Don't get me wrong. I love dogs. The point is you can't help it! But I'm trying to get over it.

PS: The homeless dog is so freaking great. I love that dog and want to give it a hug. Think of a homeless person you feel that way about. There are people out there who would give their left nut for that dog. The guy next to the dog? I haven't looked at the picture in more than 30 seconds and I already forgot whether he's white, black, or whatever. He's just a guy next to an amazing dog with fur the color of butterscotch. Oh! That's what I'd name him. Butterscotch.

BILL COSBY: VOTED OUT OF EXISTENCE;

Boogey Man Relieved

BILL COSBY: A COMPLETE SHAM

Comedian, television star, and apparently a beloved hoax. The star and creator of one of the most popular american television shows of all time was recently voted out of existence.

Bill Cosby? Don't know who I'm talking about? That's because he never existed.

But what about all those things he did? Absolute fiction.

But he was the spokesperson for Jello! You mean like the Trix Rabbit? The michelin man?

He raised Rudy and Theo! Correction, that was Phil Huxtable. Also a character of fiction.

Ghost Dad! Ghosts: do not exist. Dads: Theoretical.

ALL GONE!

Good bye Bill Cosby!

Welcome to oblivion!

POPULATION: nuffin'

A Letter to the Kidnappers

Kidnappers who are reading this. First of all, congratulations. You are terrifying.

Secondly, why is it called kidnapping? I feel like it should be called kid-nabbing. Try it.

Repeat after me:

"I just nabbed some kids. I'm a kidnabber."

Doesn't that sound better than,

"I just napped some kids. I'm a kidnapper." ?

When was the last time anyone napped anything?

Sounds to me like you take naps with kids. Michael Jackson got into a lot of trouble for that and he was the King of Pop. Chances are if you are kidnabbing* children then you are not nearly as reputable as the late Michael Jackson, and certainly not an icon.

And also, it seems like people call it kidnapping even when it does not involve kids. IF it's that serious then let's get serious about what we're going to call it. Is it to get more attention to the old people? Are people afraid that if you don't throw a kid into the mix no one will care?

Ransom notes: that would be hard for me. I tend to over write, cutting out all those letters would be difficult and messy. Plus the cops would be like, "These fonts are from Esquire and GQ. We're looking for a gay guy. A gay guy who loves kidnapping."

Anyway, I guess the point really is, it sounds like a lot of work. I guess I don't really understand the payoff? Someone else's kid? Can't you just get a mexican kid or a chinese kid? I mean . . . free's free! And if you're going on the ransom angle . . . well, how many times does that EVER work out? Just seems like a lot of work.

*That's right. I said kidnabbing.