Scraping the Surface of American Hygiene*

I use baby wipes. I'll tell you why.

If you accidentally touched some errant feces with your hand, would you just wipe it up with a dry paper towel? Or would you take some time to find a sink, get some soap, and really try your best to sanitize and clean the aforementioned hand.

That's what I thought.

A dry wipe does not a clean butt make.

So clean up your act America! It's not just me who's fed up with people's low standards of toilet paper either. When actor/celebrity Terrence Howard is looking for romance, bathroom hygiene is among his chief concerns.

"Toilet paper - and no baby wipes - in the bathroom. If they're using dry paper, they aren't washing all of themselves. It's just unclean. So if I go in a woman's house and see the toilet paper there, I'll explain this. And if she doesn't make the adjustment to baby wipes, I'll know she's not completely clean."

- Terrence Howard (jezebel.com, Terrence Howard this Women are Unclean and Dressed Like Whores)

Worried people are going to think your choice in TP is a bit too juvenile? Well stop crying you big baby, THE FINAL WIPE has got you covered:

I have always used good old American toilet paper to wipe my ass. Before my daughter was born eight years ago, I had probably never seen a baby wipe or a wet wipe, nor did I even much care that such a thing existed. Why would a grown man want to wipe his ass with a baby wipe, anyway?

I will admit that I have tried baby wipes in the recent past -- not only for cleanliness, but also for relief after pooping out a hot & spicy turd. It sure beats holding a cold wet washcloth on my bunghole.

Still, being that I am PoopReport's representative of the American archetype -- a 40-year-old man who doesn't dote over making sure his asshole is perfectly fresh and spotless after dropping a dookie -- the powers that be decided that I was the best candidate to review a new wet-wipe product called The Final Wipe - POOPREPORT.COM

Well, there you go Marc-keteers! The straight poop on wet wipes from the experts who know. Any questions or comments on today's blog? Be sure to send an e-mail with the subject line, "unclean thoughts".

*Congratulations! If you are reading this, you are now one of the hundreds of elite Marc-keteers who participate in our daily FIND THE ASTERISK game. We here at FAR FROM EARTH headquarters take great pains to place at least one asterisk in every blog we post, followed by an explanation of the asterisk's purpose.

Our headline today is both informative and a double entendre because we're also talking about wiping our ass.