A Practical Examination of the Superhero

I bet Batman literally scares the crap out of people. This picture alone is scary and that's not even the REAL Batman. The Gotham police department are probably used to dealing with criminals who smell awful.

But it's not just the bad guys. What about these people who just got saved from terrible situations? Hostages or people who fell out a window?

This guy just got the shit scared out of him, and now he's probably embarrassed in front of Superman. I wonder if people just piss themselves in sheer awe. I hope if I'm ever in this kind of situation I'm prepared for it... or I already went to the bathroom. What's more shocking? The situation you're in or how you're being rescued?

Even if I had just gone to the bathroom, I would get so nervous that I would most likely get gassy. The worse thing with Superman is that he would be able to notice even the smallest fart. He might even notice farts you don't! I'm sure he's polite about it though. Superman is used to that sort of stuff.

On the other side of the coin. What happens when Superman farts? Where does he go? Can this even be done on Earth? I bet it's dangerous when he does.

I guess what I'm saying is, I think the implications of a world with Superheros are far greater than any of us care to realize.

Artistic Movement

You are in a very expensive lounge but you are not enjoying yourself. You have just taken a gigantic dump in their very nice bathroom only to find the toilet completely nonfunctional. You are waiting in misery for someone to discover what you have left behind. You finally see a tall european man stalking out of the bathroom towards the center of the lounge. He stands on the table and proceeds to make the following announcement, " Hello, my name is Andres Guitiea . If you have not heard of me, google me and you will find that I am one of the most famous and wealthy artists of the 21st century. I am looking for the person who just pooped in the bathroom. I have been using bowel movements in my art for two decades and never have I seen such a masterpiece of fecal matter. I will pay ten thousand for the bowel movement. I will also pay for additional movements. Please come forward my caca muse." Immediately someone else comes forward claiming your poop as their own. Do you take issue?

Enchanted Heiney Troll

You've been given bad news. You have a disease that is completely incurable and absolutely fatal. the interior of your stomach lining is attacking everything that isn't stomach. The pain is indescribable and you've begun to beg for death. Unfortunately you are in a catholic hospital and they will not perform euthanasia; they do not believe in it. What they do they do believe in is enchanted heiney trolls; one of which is brought to your bed. This sixteen and a half inch disgusting, bald, bearded troll is sitting on your bed with one hand on your stomach. Smiling, he says, "I can save you and you can live a normal life… as long as I can live in your asshole. I will be a part of every time you go to the bathroom. You have five minutes to decide, as there is also a patient next door who is desperately in need of my service and in ten minutes you'll die. We'd be like room mates… in your ass." How do you reply?

DOGS

Really just big oversized alternatives to cats. I don't like that it's better at begging for food than I am. But you can train them not to? LIAR. If you could train all these dogs not to do it then why does it fucking happen?

And if it were the streets... I just bet people would sooner feed, wash, clothe, and medically inoculate that dog before they would a person. Maybe not in Japan or China or wherever... but in this country "working like a dog" doesn't mean shit because most people LOVE dogs. Why do I feel this way? Because it's how I feel about dogs and I don't love them half as much as most people I meet. Most people I meet flip over them.

Also, please don't talk to me about animal cruelty. There's never been a dog holocaust. Or dog on dog terrorism. YET.

Don't get me wrong. I love dogs. The point is you can't help it! But I'm trying to get over it.

PS: The homeless dog is so freaking great. I love that dog and want to give it a hug. Think of a homeless person you feel that way about. There are people out there who would give their left nut for that dog. The guy next to the dog? I haven't looked at the picture in more than 30 seconds and I already forgot whether he's white, black, or whatever. He's just a guy next to an amazing dog with fur the color of butterscotch. Oh! That's what I'd name him. Butterscotch.

BILL COSBY: VOTED OUT OF EXISTENCE;

Boogey Man Relieved

BILL COSBY: A COMPLETE SHAM

Comedian, television star, and apparently a beloved hoax. The star and creator of one of the most popular american television shows of all time was recently voted out of existence.

Bill Cosby? Don't know who I'm talking about? That's because he never existed.

But what about all those things he did? Absolute fiction.

But he was the spokesperson for Jello! You mean like the Trix Rabbit? The michelin man?

He raised Rudy and Theo! Correction, that was Phil Huxtable. Also a character of fiction.

Ghost Dad! Ghosts: do not exist. Dads: Theoretical.

ALL GONE!

Good bye Bill Cosby!

Welcome to oblivion!

POPULATION: nuffin'

A Letter to the Kidnappers

Kidnappers who are reading this. First of all, congratulations. You are terrifying.

Secondly, why is it called kidnapping? I feel like it should be called kid-nabbing. Try it.

Repeat after me:

"I just nabbed some kids. I'm a kidnabber."

Doesn't that sound better than,

"I just napped some kids. I'm a kidnapper." ?

When was the last time anyone napped anything?

Sounds to me like you take naps with kids. Michael Jackson got into a lot of trouble for that and he was the King of Pop. Chances are if you are kidnabbing* children then you are not nearly as reputable as the late Michael Jackson, and certainly not an icon.

And also, it seems like people call it kidnapping even when it does not involve kids. IF it's that serious then let's get serious about what we're going to call it. Is it to get more attention to the old people? Are people afraid that if you don't throw a kid into the mix no one will care?

Ransom notes: that would be hard for me. I tend to over write, cutting out all those letters would be difficult and messy. Plus the cops would be like, "These fonts are from Esquire and GQ. We're looking for a gay guy. A gay guy who loves kidnapping."

Anyway, I guess the point really is, it sounds like a lot of work. I guess I don't really understand the payoff? Someone else's kid? Can't you just get a mexican kid or a chinese kid? I mean . . . free's free! And if you're going on the ransom angle . . . well, how many times does that EVER work out? Just seems like a lot of work.

*That's right. I said kidnabbing.

It's not you it's my leader.

To all those concerned:

I'm severing all ties with everyone I know. Friends, family, colleagues, internet fuck buddies, even my blog. I'm joining a doomsday cult. I saw this guy's face on a flyer in the mall and I just about shit my pants. I mean, this is the guy; he's looks like Spock and Dracula combined with a little bit of Jude Law.

Anyway, I just can't help it. I love this guy. His name is Pyotr Kuznetsov. I don't know how to pronounce his name so I've been calling him Peter.

Love. Love is many things. Many things are love. Peter says things like that. The other day he said, "Love is old. Love is new. Love is all, love is you." And he may be a weirdo but you know what world? Love is a weirdo. You can't help who you fall in love with, and I mean, people love Jesus. So I love this guy. Sometimes I call him Leader Peter.

Peter says the world was supposed to end like may something last year and when it didn't he got really depressed. So it's been really hard for him to get people interested in gathering around together and committing to a day for the world to end. It just sounded like a human interest story to me all the way. So I went to a meeting and well . . . the rest is history. I wanted a story but I got more than I bargained for. I am in love with this doomsday cult and for the first time in my whole life I am in love with me. I am blossoming. I am loving. I've never been better. Unfortunately I will never see any of you ever again, so there's that. UNLESS you want to join the cult. In which case: AWESOME!!

The cult is really cool, it's just like camp except there's sex and stuff. Some field work some brainwashing, but it's much better than the nine to five shit I've been doing lately anyway. There's no worldly possessions in the cult and Peter says I should give away all my stuff but I'm putting all my stuff into storage. You know, in case the doomsday prophecy is accidently misinterpreted again like last year; so please don't send me a bunch of e-mails for my stuff unless you have a serious offer.

But listen guys, I'm getting off the subject. The point is it's been great knowing everyone and good bye forever.

This is Marc Sauve saying:

Good Existence Marcketeers. Good existence everyone!

Oh yeah. Mass suicide TBA in January 2010. Should be a good turn out.